There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize