Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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