At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We named our party play list daddy issues
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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