In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
