i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
