Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize