I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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