White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
