I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
