not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
