Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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