you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
