Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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