I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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