I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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