it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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