we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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