I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
