I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
