you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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