shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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