If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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