I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
