So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
