it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
