you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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