either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
