A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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