Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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