awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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