I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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