no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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