it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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