you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
