I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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