Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
