I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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