this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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