Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
