My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
