Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
