My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
