8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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