Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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