I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize