saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize