Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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