No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
