Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
