How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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