I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
