I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
