when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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