I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
