You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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