he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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