1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
